Transitions
By on May 10, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (1)
You have come so far to get here,
through inadequacies and dissapointments. Hope and failure.
Too much love and care to speak so you hurt people. You break their hearts.
Sorry, did that sound like I was accusing you? I don’t think I was. Even if it was your fault, I know that you meant well. You really did. And I thank you for that.
I am in a really weird place right now. My mind and body are trying to process the past few weeks.
I went to this girl’s wedding and consequently I can’t stop thinking about the idea of childhood friendships, girlhood itself. Or what it means to sleep in a twin bed next to someone nearly everyday for two years straight, talk until 3 or 4am, and be so utterly insulted by your parents coming to pick you up at 1pm. “We just woke up!” But more than this, I am really trying to figure out why I know her soul without knowing a thing about her. Before this wedding buisness we hadn’t had a real conversation in years. But there is something about that age in a girls life, sixth and seventh grade, when your best friend is everything to you but everything you say is trivial. Maybe it’s all code. Because we have always been sincere with eachother, it feels more real than when I run into many of my friends from high school. Maybe it is in the silences and knowing someone’s physical presence so well. You feel eachother. It’s weird. You protect eachother somehow. As you lose your innocent and are impeded with so many things you never asked for, you sleep next to eachother and create space with your trivial conversation. It is so beautiful. I just felt like crying over and over as I met eyes with her on her wedding day. God, she looked amazing.
It is the end of an era. Many of my friends and my brother graduated on Saturday. New life will unfold its petals before us, but something also dies. Did you want it to? Were you ready? Maybe you could do without the cockroaches. But even that seems sort of strange, like stuffing cotton in your ears.
I just bought this sexy new computer that is bending my mind. I have stepped into infinity.
I am starting my senior thesis and planing my senior art show, which includes research, inspiration, and productivity to the max.
I keep reacting poorly on the phone with my mom. I can be so short and irritable. This makes me feel lonely and sad (or like driving home just to hold her heart).
But this made me feel better. And this.
And the thought of sending this into the atomosphere.
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Tracked on May 11, 2007 9:24 AM
1) That picture of Jenna and I is AWESOME.
2) This is why I wanted you to have a blog.
3) I love you.
Posted by Matthew | May 11, 2007 @ 9:22 AM